As some of my friends already know, I was diagnosed with OCD relatively recently. One of the things it has been suggested I should work on, aside from the obvious compulsions themselves, are my feelings of shame. So in that spririt I’m trying to bring myself to publically blog about it a bit.
Most, if not all, people experience times when they go to bed and cannot stop thinking about something(s). They are suffering, at that time, from anxiety – normal, everyday (in the sense of “common” – hopefully not daily!) stress/anxiety that is manifesting as “something on one’s mind”. If that anxiety persists one may decide that, rather than continue to try and forget about it for now (which is probably most people’s first “go to” response to the situation I describe – it’s certainly mine), they need to actually do something about it in order to put it to one side for now and relax enough to sleep. That could be a simple thing, like noting the thing down so you know it’ll be there to remind you in the morning, or checking something is done (e.g. if you can’t shake the feeling you didn’t lock the door before bed) or even spending 20 minutes doing some reasearch on whatever it is so you feel like you’ve done something and can pick it up in the morning. And after this, all being well, you will feel better about whatever it is and go back to bed, feel relaxed and able to allow your mind to drift freely and easily away from whatver it was that was bothering you, hopefully to sleep. This certainly works for me, most of the time, at least.
Now imagine that your mind drifts off and you’re feeling nice and relaxed, and then suddenly after only a few minutes that exact same thing, which was keeping your mind preoccupied earlier, pops back into your head. Now, you’ve already dealt with it, and you tell yourself that, but despite the absolute knowledge that the item in question is done with for tonight you can’t get it out of your head. So you end up, after trying unsuccessfully again to drift off, and again do something to put your mind at rest. Which it does, for a short while. Then it begins again. This is OCD, certain specific thoughts (“The fact these thoughts and their triggers are so specific is what makes this OCD, rather than something else”, to quote the Psychiatrist who made the diagnosis) doing this causing great torment, and this is also the reason I had no sleep last night. It is also bitterly disappointing after a very long spell of having my OCD symptoms largely under control, however life has been extraordinarially stressful for me over the last month or so (somethings that I hope will start resolving themselves in the coming weeks) – so I’m trying to focus my disappointment on the situation rather than myself.
This is the 4th post I’ve written so far, none of the others of which got as far as being published, trying to explain it using a variety of real-life examples (“difficulties”, if you’re a psychiatrist) of mine and analogies. And then today happened, my second (slight, compared to where I was a couple of years ago) relapse this year, and it seemed easier to just write about that.
Plus lack of sleep lowers inhibitions, apparently enough for me to just hit “publish” on this.