If you have a shorter attention span, or just want the highlights, I’ve provided a TL;DR version at bottom - just click here. It won’t hurt to read that first then look at the long bit, if you want the filler, either.

The long version

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
(at the ripe old age of 38)

(Okay, it doesn’t quite fit the tune, but close enough!)

Introduction

This is version 2 of the blog post (version 1 never to be published… hence “Take 2”) and will be split into how I came to be here (this post - “Part 1 - Welcome to the ADHDer family”), and “Part 2 - Help me” where I will describe the things I find most difficult currently and what people around me, if you are so inclined and willing, could do that would help me out.

I don’t do concise well, my propensity towards verbal diarrhoea comes out in my written work too, and I realise that will make this less accessible for fellow ADHDers (as I’ve discovered people refer to themselves). Sorry. (Oh, and I apologise. A lot. Far too much, in fact. Often for things I am told I have no need to apologise for.)

Where I am

I have just (in the last 48 hours, when I started writing this) been diagnosed with ADHD, something that is obvious now I know about the condition but until someone mentioned to me that I might have it, I was oblivious. I cannot recall a time I was not aware of, what I now know are, the symptoms of ADHD.

My manager suggested, while it is fresh in my mind, sharing my experience of discovering I have this difference (I’ll come back to wording in a bit…) might help others. So, you can blame him for this post!

What you can do without asking for help

I think the overriding message has to be: If you have things that you are concerned about, particularly if they are causing you distress but like me you do not want to admit to, it is definitely worth checking it out. Although I am talking about my journey and ADHD, the advice here applies to anything…

You might wish to start with some online screening quizzes from reputable websites. I have previously done OCD ones, which I tended to score highly on, and ASD ones, which I tended to have middling “probably not but you might want to get a proper assessment” scores on. For ADHD, I tried ones such as the one on Clinical Partners website and consistently got results giving a very strong indication of ADHD (I was literally within 4% of the highest possible score on every one I tried). My point here being they are probably not as inaccurate as one might assume, and there are ones available for most neurodivergences.

Despite a long-term awareness of things that are all symptoms of ADHD, I felt such deep embarrassment and shame about them that I would not have admitted to having them (in some cases even to myself). Until the diagnosis was confirmed, I confided in only about half a dozen people what I was being assessed for. That diagnosis has given me the confidence to ask for help (and more) now, but I understand how difficult it can be when you are worried you might be a bit different but don’t want to admit to not feeling “normal” (“there’s no such thing as normal”, “remember you are unique…just like everyone else”, etc., etc.).

How I got on this path

This particular path started on Tuesday 30th July 2024 when I had my mid-year review/check-in with my current line manager, Barry Weeks.

During this meeting, my manager very gently suggested I might want to be assessed for ADHD. Although several hints had been made by him, and my wife had directly suggested it before. I only recognised the hints Barry had made when I commented on one and he told me it was a deliberate attempt to raise my awareness (I have no excuse for ignoring my wife, it was blatant and complete denial). Not getting hints and having to be much more clearly and directly told things, in this case that it appeared to him I may have ADHD, is entirely consistently with ADHD (although my wife suggested I add “…and with being a man” here).

I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with OCD, so when this ADHD idea got stuck in my head I thought it was another anxiety-induced fixation and rumination. Despite trying to resist, I ended up doing some research. What I read about ADHD (what it really is, not my misconception), gave me thoughts along the lines of “this description fits me, and my experience of my own thought processes, like a glove” and “my development aligns so well with this, I could be in a text book as a case study”. I could simply, and obviously, relate myself to everything I found about ADHD and vice versa. The more I read about the condition, the more it seemed to perfectly describe me.

To check I was grounded in reality, and this wasn’t my OCD running away and taking me with it, I checked-in with Barry the next day. I asked if he had intended for me to take away from our conversation that he thinks I have ADHD, and he simply replied “yes”. The sort of direct, clear, response that I now know I need. While he started the ball rolling on getting an assessment, my next port of call was to send a message to my GP practice asking if I could try some medication while waiting for assessment. This resulted in being given an afternoon telephone appointment later in the week. The answer was “no”, by the way, because the medication has to be prescribed and managed by a psychiatrist.

The doctor I spoke to had ignored the appointment time and instead started her day by reviewing my entire medical history history. She opened the appointment by telling me that she had made me her first call of the day and based on my history alone, she was certain I had ADHD. She also suggested what was diagnosed as OCD is actually part of having ADHD. I now believe that had I not had undiagnosed ADHD I would not have developed “OCD” (compulsive behaviours in response to anxiety) as a coping mechanism. What seems, unfortunately, to have happened is that despite all of the testing and assessments at school, and later psychiatric and psychological difficulties, nobody ever considered ADHD. There’s no mention of it in any reports, and in particular no one has said they had considered and excluded it.

If you are a manager facing having a difficult conversation with an employee, as mine did with me, I implore you: have that conversation. Prepare for it, be gentle, be kind and compassionate but please have it - you might change the whole way someone looks at themselves and relates to the world. I did, thanks to Barry and his conversation coming at a time when I was ready and able to hear what he was trying to say.

Taking the scenic route (subtitled: an unhelpful detour)

12 years ago I reached out for help with PTSD symptoms. The PTSD ended up being lumped in with signs of ADHD and misdiagnosed, as various personality and anxiety disorders which were then ruled out by another psychiatrist ending up with a diagnosis of OCD. Although I had niggling doubts about that diagnosis, it was clearly explained to me why that label fit what I was presenting with at the time. I presumed my residual unease was a symptom of having “the doubting disease”, which OCD is also known as. I have no such feeling of doubt about my new diagnosis, it fits my signs, symptoms and inner experience perfectly.

Mind list all of the labels that were previously applied, although no two psychiatrists ever agreed on my diagnosis, to me. This seems to be a common experience and I hope that this might be reassuring to anyone else who feels they may have been misdiagnosed in the past:

Lots of the main symptoms of ADHD are things that impact your behaviour, mood, and thinking. So you might be misdiagnosed with a mental health problem like depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or a personality disorder.

Awareness and recognition is hugely improved. According to the BBC this is the reason for a huge number of people awaiting assessment on the NHS. I opted to go privately, despite my GP’s offer to put me on the NHS waiting list which, they said, is over 2 years long. My need for certainty sooner was worth more to me than the money it cost. According to the BBC article, the prevailing expert opinion is that the current surge is just the catch-up effect after decades of under-recognition and the prevalence of ADHD remains unchanged.

(Over)reacting

I would be lying if I said I thought that I handled the suggestion I might have ADHD at all well. The whole journey I struggled with emotional overwhelm:

  • from initially going “no way” on the day
  • compulsively researching ADHD
  • literally saying to myself “oh bugger, I think he’s right” the following morning
  • having everyone I mentioned it to effectively saying “yes, it’s pretty obvious” (it seems I was about the only one who thought I was doing a good job of hiding it!)
  • trying to hold on to a healthy sense of doubt
  • getting diagnosed
  • finally accepting that I really do have ADHD

Which is no surprise, given I have ADHD, but led to a very challenging and rocky month and a bit. I was emotionally all over the place and needed a lot of extra help to see me through it. But that help was there, freely given in spades and I found a huge amount of compassion and support coming from everyone I turned to for it.

To be diagnosed at nearly 40 is simultaneously devastating and elating. I have spent my life so far trying to eliminate, unsuccessfully, what I now know are symptoms of ADHD. I feel I want to burst into tears that I have made myself suffer so long, by trying to control what is simply how my brain works. At the same time, I am overjoyed to finally understand myself. I have done many things (particularly working as a Special Constable, a volunteer police officer, for 10 years) that I would not have done had the label applied at school, as I have no doubt it would today. But I would have had much more support and an easier life up until now. However, this experience of struggling and feeling like I was a failure at living has made me the kind, compassionate, thoughtful man I am today - and I would not want that to change.

Once of the challenges is that ADHD is my normal - I have never experienced life any other way. Which is one of the reasons I have spent half a lifetime working under the presumption I was neurotypical. At school I was taught that my failure to act and react normally was just down to a lack of trying hard enough, and therefore my fault.

Looking to the future

I mentioned language in the first paragraph - I received a bit of a ticking off for describing ADHD as a difficulty and I am trying to use the suggested alternative of difference. I am emerging from a place where the symptoms of ADHD have, to me, always been a difficulty or challenge I have endeavoured to overcome. Although I have spent most of my life trying to control the differences of my brain, causing myself a lot of internalised pain and angst, I now do not feel I need to force myself into society’s neurotypical ideal.

I am finally trying to work with my brain instead of against it; not trying to sit still when I want to power-walk round the house, not beating myself up for getting distracted, gently trying to refocus on the task at hand rather than getting frustrated, not trying to slow my speech down when my brain is going a million-miles-an-hour, etc.

I move forward knowing and appreciating that I have a difference, which means I don’t quite get the same experience as the majority. Which is fine. It isn’t going to change. Now I accept that, I feel truly content with myself and authentically “me”.

“Life-changing revelation” is not an over-statement.

Final but very important words

I think it is important to mention that, since the beginning of this most recent bit of my journey towards understanding myself, I have received nothing but compassion and support from everyone I have had contact with. Things are clearly a lot better today than they were a decade or so ago. So, if you have also been put off reaching out for help from past experience; take it from someone who has been through it first hand: you are unlikely to be burnt again.

The best thing to come out of this is that it has given me the ability to say, with confidence: I am Laurence. I have ADHD. I understand and accept myself.

ADHD Butterfly

Too Long; Didn’t Read version

Rainbows and unicorns and sparkles and sh*t; my brain is different, just a little bit.

Introduction

I don’t do concise well and I am sorry there’s a long version that won’t be accessible to all.

Where I am

I have just been diagnosed with ADHD. It’s blindingly obvious to me now, but it wasn’t before.

Hopefully sharing my experience might help others.

What you can do without asking for help

I offer this advice because I understand feeling a bit different but not wanting to admit to it. But I do beg of you, if you follow it and it confirms your suspicions or you are still worried, please seek professional advice. I did and it’s change my life for the better.

Try some self-screening quizzes. I started with the ADHD one on Clinical Partners website (and the some more from other reputable websites) - such things exist for lots of conditions (OCD, ASD, Personality Disorders etc. etc.). My experience is that they are pretty good indicators, when they suggest an assessment would be a good idea.

How I got on this path

My manager clearly told me he thought I had ADHD and I didn’t listen to my wife when she told me 9 months prior. This was after some time of me missing the hints, as someone with ADHD would, from him that I might have a problem.

I consulted a GP who told me in no uncertain terms that, based solely on my medical history, she thought I had ADHD too.

(This bit’s important enough to keep verbatim:)

If you are a manager facing having a difficult conversation with an employee, as mine did with me, I implore you: have that conversation. Prepare for it, be gentle, be kind and compassionate but please have it - you might change the whole way someone looks at themselves and relates to the world. I did, thanks to Barry (my manager) and his conversation coming at a time when I was ready and able to hear what he was trying to say.

Taking the scenic route (subtitled: an unhelpful detour)

12 years ago I had PTSD but it got confused by the signs of ADHD and misdiagnosed, as various personality and anxiety disorders and finally OCD.

Mind list all of those labels as common ADHD misdiagnoses:

Lots of the main symptoms of ADHD are things that impact your behaviour, mood, and thinking. So you might be misdiagnosed with a mental health problem like depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or a personality disorder.

Awareness and recognition is hugely improved today.

(Over)reacting

I did not handle the suggestion I might have ADHD well. I spent the entire time from suggestion to diagnosis overwhelmed by emotion but help was there, freely given in spades.

To be diagnosed at nearly 40 is simultaneously devastating and elating. This experience of struggling and feeling like I was a failure at living has made me the kind, thoughtful man I am today.

Looking to the future

I am finally trying to work with my brain instead of against it and not feeling as guilty and frustrated with myself.

I move forward knowing that I don’t have the same experience as the majority. Which is fine. It isn’t going to change. Now that I accept this, I feel authentically “me”.

“Life-changing revelation” is not an over-statement.

Final but very important words

I have received nothing but compassion and support from everyone I have had contact with.

If you have also been put off reaching out for help from past experience; take it from someone who has been through it first hand: you are unlikely to be burnt again.

The best thing to come out of this is that it has given me the ability to say, with confidence: I am Laurence. I have ADHD. I understand and accept myself.

ADHD Butterfly